you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
