I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
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She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
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I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.