Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...