You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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