he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
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Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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