are you still at the devil's house?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
