how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
