It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
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On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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