I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
