broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
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I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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