I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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