I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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