Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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