Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
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I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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