already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
