I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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