Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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