im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
