That's when you crack a 10am beer
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
