Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
