This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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