sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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