This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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