I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm like, not good at living.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
