Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
