bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
