think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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