even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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