I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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