its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
