Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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