Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
