We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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