so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
