I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
