Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
