Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i barfeds in our rink
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
