How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
