So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
