they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
