Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
