he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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