I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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