I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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