my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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