Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
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the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
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THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
COCAINE IS GR8
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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