onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
