im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
