God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
