K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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