someone get that fucking seahorse.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
