just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm like, not good at living.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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