you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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