Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
