Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
