I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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