mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
