i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
